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Thursday, September 30th, 2004
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4:16 pm - racialization
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yes, racialization. i've been reading and writing about it all day. i also walked around in circles all day. i had to drop off papers, pick up a package, pay a bill, mail stuff, see this prof and that prof, return books to the library, find more books, pick up forms, etc. i have emailed six people today, ive gotten eight emails (all for school-related stuff). such a busy boring day. i hate days when i don't have class or office hours and somehow end up being really busy all day. i have two movies at home and i didn't even manage to find a free hour or two to watch one or part of one.
i haven't had my period in two months and one week. i am far from regular and have long cycles but the longest one i can remember was still only 50 days or so. anyhow, i bought a pregnancy test today even though i was convinced i was not pregnant. i just have too much going on with school to allow myself to worry about one more thing. i figured if i was pregnant i might as well know rather than thinking about whether i am or not all the time. and i'm not! what a relief.
i got a book in the mail today, and i have to start reading it now. i also have to work on this racialization essay some more tonight. fun.
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| Monday, September 27th, 2004
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5:02 pm - It has been a while...
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I don't know why I started this blog. I really wanted to write this time, I wanted to update this thing regularly. And I did... for what, one or two weeks? I have been meaning to write more for a few weeks now, and I don't know what stopped me. I guess my - sorry - excuse is that I started school the day after I got back from vacation and I have been insanely busy. I have an excuse, then, for the past month. I don't have an excuse for the month before that except for the fact that T moved in so the last thing on my mind was the computer. I finally had him here and so I didn't really even care about the internet at all.
School has been so crazy. I definitely expected to have more work to do, but this is just so overwhelming. I am reading 5-6 books a week. It's more than reading though, it's having to highlight concepts, having to write notes on everything. Trying to compare and contrast, trying to do critical analyzes of everything. I can't even take half a day off to relax or I'll fall behind, and that is not an option when every course I am taking has at least 20% for participation marks. This is what I get, though, for wanting to get that certificate in refugee studies. Every person I tell about being registered in three courses says I am crazy. And I am... two courses is a lot, three courses means I have no life. I have a few hours on saturdays to hang out with Tom. I might have that time on sundays too, but that is food shopping and cooking day. I do all the cooking on sundays because I am too tired by dinner time on weekdays. Plus I don't want to have to bother cooking every night. This way I have three or four dishes to pick from in the fridge and it only (ONLY) takes three or four hours on sunday.
I bought myself a plane ticket yesterday. I am somewhat happy with the price, $130. While this is a lot of money, it is cheaper than I thought it would be. It is totally worth it though since I get to stay for 5 full days. I am so excited about seeing L, I have missed him so much. I have missed the city too, I miss my street, my neighborhood, my old workplace. This is further proof that I am a geographer at heart: I miss the place more than I miss the people. Maybe it is because I can talk to those people, email them and everything, but I cannot get the places back unless I return to them. Still, I prefer to think that it is because of being a geographer.
Well, this is it for now. I hope I can get into the habit of writing here again. I have to get back to work now. I have to write a short text about what I want my literature review to accomplish. I am meeting with my adviser tomorrow and she asked me to show up with a one page summary. I should just email her and tell her I am not ready, but I feel like I would give a bad impression if I don't do it. I put too much pressure on myself to try and be perfect all the time. Part of me is sure she wouldn't think any less of me if I didn't do it, especially since she would understand if I didn't have enough time. Pressure, pressure. I so need that week in Montreal!... even though I plan on writing two essays and reading two books while I am there.
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| Saturday, July 24th, 2004
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12:21 am - going places
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this past month has been really boring for me. i've not done much of anything except being on the internet and watching tv far too much. i've worked out a lot because i have too much free time. the only productive thing i have done is to get started on the literature for my thesis. i figured since i am here and not working or going to class i may as well get an early start. i have read 8 books so far, though my supervisor thinks i read 12. the only cool thing i have done is to go to niagara falls and i was annoyed most of the time because my great-aunt and her friend were driving me absolutely fucking insane talking about food non-stop. i am getting annoyed just thinking about it so i won't get into the details.
so after a whole month of nothing happening, august will be crazy again. t is moving in on the 1st if all goes well getting his temporary worker visa, and if there are problems he will be here on the 8th. we are going to DC for the bbq whenever that is and then the last weekend of august we are going to pittsburgh for a family reunion. a few days after that i am leaving for cuba for two weeks. i still dont know if ill be going to havana or to cayo largo. either way i dont really care so long as i can get some congri and a tan ill be happy! h is coming with me and i am stoked ill have a friend this time. i might ask him if he minds only being there for a week so mom and i can have some time alone. we really need it!
and then... i start school and work as soon as i get back. then... then things are going to get insane and will be insane for 2 years straight. yey!
my vacation is nearly over and it will soon be time to return to the real world. i feel like i have been on hiatus from life since i got here. isolated in my apartment with too much time to think. well i suppose in a way it's a good thing since i've had time to work out some issues. and well there are some that i still need to work on.
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| Sunday, July 4th, 2004
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2:58 pm - ladies aux:
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i went through some seriously tough stuff this week. i moved to a town i had never been to, into an apartment i had never seen. it turns out campus here is awesome and my apartment is very nice too, though my office is rather small. i learned through emails that one friend attempted suicide and that a second - my bestfriend - is suicidal. i quit a job i had worked at for 6 years where i had a ton of good friends, i miss them all already. i miss montreal too, i miss my neighborhood, the people there, the food, and the shops. what i have seen of toronto so far i dont like. with all the stress of moving and finding myself completely alone on a rather empty campus my eating disorder has come back with complete might. i have been eating once a day for the past week, and it's not all that much when i do. i have never been one to drink nearly enough and so this is making my condition that much worse. i feel weak and want to eat yet i cant bring myself to do it. i am freaking out my boyfriend who has not yet moved in with me and who feels totally helpless all the way down in DC. yesterday i had an anxiety attack, i had never had one before and i hope to never have a second one. i cant stop thinking about it today but i guess that's normal, it hasnt even been 24hrs yet. if anything it wasn't such a terrible thing as it gave me the motivation to try and make friends here. i emailed some of the students (whom i have never met) and put out the word that i am all alone here and that i am bored. i already have plans to go have dinner with someone this week.
im bored of writing already. or rather i dont want to think about crappy stuff right now. i am going to go play the drum-game at the arcade.
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